Bits and pieces of things from various sources that should make you smile

Three Texas surgeons were arguing about who had the greatest skill. The first began, "Three years ago, I reattached three fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."
The second replied, "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
The third said, "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on pot and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago he became President of the United States."

  1. What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
  1. No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

  1. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
  1. They're trying to get away from the noise.

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap, Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around.
Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey, wait a minute...are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh, no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

A duck walks into a bar and up to the bartender. Looking the fellow square in the eye, he asks, "Hey, uh, you got any fish here?"
"No," the bartender replies. "This is a bar. We do not sell fish. If you want something to drink, I can help you. Otherwise, scram." The duck waddles away, muttering to himself.
The next day the duck returns, bellies up to the bar, and asks the bartender, "Say, um...you got any fish?"
"No, no, a thousand times no!" cries the bartender. "Look, I told you yesterday—we don't have any fish. If you ask me one more time, I'm going to nail your stupid little duck bill to the bar. Got it?"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it, mister," the duck mumbles, slides off his barstool and waddles into the night.
The very next day the duck is back. "Er, mister?" he begins.
"Yes?" replies the bartender with a menacing look in his eye.
"Do you...do you have any nails?" the duck asks.
The bartender frowns. "No. This is a bar. I have no nails."
"Well, uh...you got any fish?"

TV Nation Polls from the NBC Days

    From a telephone survey of 204 Americans, Spring 1993

  • 65% of all Americans believe that frozen pizza will never be any good and there's nothing science can do about it.
  • 10% of the American public would pay $5 to see Senator Orrin Hatch (R - Utah) fight a big mean dog on Pay TV. 86% of all viewers would root for the dog. 100% of women viewers would root for the dog.
  • 45% of Americans think rain doesn't feel as good in real life as it seems to in the movies.
  • 16% of Perot voters believe "if dolphins were really smart, they could get out of those nets."
  • 65% of American women believe there is "a lot of difference" between a campaign contribution and a bribe. Only 35% of men see a difference.
  • 70% of American women have never had an emotionally satisfactory relationship with a Republican.

    From a telephone survey of 229 Americans, Summer 1994

  • In the past year 36% of Americans have chanted "We're Number One!" Only 22% of Bush voters have chanted "We're Number One!"
  • 62% of Americans believe a trip to a major theme park is more culturally enriching than a trip to the Reagan Library.
  • 39% of Americans believe that guns are not "as dangerous as they say".
  • 15% of Americans wish Dennis Hopper would go back on drugs.
  • 29% of Americans believe that Elvis was right to shoot TV sets.
  • 29% of Perot voters say "The candidate I vote for usually loses."
  • 11% of Americans that suffer from indigestion would rather retake the SAT than watch a Jesse Helms filibuster.
  • 12.5% of Americans that voted for Clinton believe that they will someday be told "just what Victoria's Secret is." 98% of Bush voters believe they will never know.
  • 88% of Bush voters "have no idea what rappers are talking about."
  • 14% of Americans surveyed agreed that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because "that extra star would make the flag look bad."

    From a telephone survey of 208 Americans, Winter 1994

  • 35% of Americans believe Richard Nixon went to heaven. 59% believe he went "someplace else."
  • 34% of those who voted Republican in the last election believe "Forrest Gump" was a documentary.

  1. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
  1. Halfway.

A Jewish man approaches his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I have a very serious problem. It's my son. You see, I raised him to be a perfect Jew. I gave him a great bar mitzvah and spent good hard-earned money to send him to the very best universities. But the other day he tells me he wants to be Christian! Rabbi, please tell me—what am I to do?"
The rabbi nods his head and says, "Funny you should come to me. I had the exact same problem! Gave my son a wonderful bar mitzvah, spared no expense when it came to his education, but wouldn't you know it? He came to me just the other day and told me he'd decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" the man asks.
"I asked God for advice," the rabbi tells him.
"Rabbi, please tell me—what did God say?"
The rabbi sighs. "He said, 'Funny you should come to me...'"

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren't going anywhere in life. They figured, what the heck, why not go to college to get ahead? They hopped in a pickup and drove to the nearest college. After wandering around for a while, the two rednecks finally found a bunch of offices and some official-looking folks. While the second guy waited out in the hall, the first went into an office and found a professor who advised him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.
The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do," grinned the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted "Amazin'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck was starting to catch on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was waiting patiently.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked.
"Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his new friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O, and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavor."
The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnijkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's, and T's.

  1. How do you keep a blond(e) busy?
  1. Have him/her alphabetize a bag of M&M's.

  1. Why does it work?
  1. "Does 3 come before E or between M and W?"

There were 3 passengers on a small plane along with the pilot. One was the smartest man in the world; another was a priest; the third a college student. Things seemed to be going all right when suddenly the pilot shouted that the plane was going down...and there were only three parachutes.
The pilot exclaimed, "I have a family! I can't leave them!" then grabbed one of the chutes and jumped out, leaving only two parachutes.
The smartest man in the world said, "Look, I'm the smartest man in the whole world. I've made countless contributions to society and culture and I must live so I may continue to dazzle humanity with my scintillating intellect." Having said this, he took a pack and jumped out after the pilot.
The priest then turned to the student. "I've lived a long and full life," he explains, "and I'm ready to meet my creator. You, my child, have your whole life ahead of you. Please, take the last parachute."
The student smiled. "Relax, Father. We'll both be fine. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

A tall, thin, blue-eyed, long-haired blonde was simply fed up with all the stereotypes, tired of everyone judging her by her appearance. So one day she got a complete makeover, including a hair cut and dye. As a brunette, she felt like she had a new lease on life, so she got herself a great new fancy sports convertible and treated herself to a ride in the country.
After driving a while, she pulled up next to a fence surrounding a field absolutely brimming with sheep. She got out of the car and beckoned the shepherd to come to the fence, which he did.
"I have a deal for you," she informed him.
"Okay—what'll it be?" the shepherd responded.
"If I can guess how many sheep are in your meadow, may I take one home with me?"
The shepherd considered this and shrugged. "Be my guest," he said.
So the blonde squinted out over the meadow for a few minutes before triumphantly announcing, "Two hundred and thirty-seven."
"By God, you're absolutely right!" exclaimed the shepherd. "You can have your pick of my flock."
The blonde chose the one she liked best and tossed it into the car. As she stepped into the car herself, the shepherd called after her, "Oh, miss? I have a deal for you."
"Yes?" answered the blonde, hands on the steering wheel.
"If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

Top 10 Headlines During a George W. Bush Presidency

  1. "President Streaks Supreme Court"
  1. "President Fails In Shoe-Tying Bid"
  1. "President To Nation: 'Do These Non-Prescription Eyeglasses Make Me Look Smarter?'"
  1. "Bush To Hussein: 'I'm Telling My Daddy On You'"
  1. "President Cancels Meeting With Pope After Discovering He's Catholic"
  1. "Bush Remembers Setting Nuclear Football Down At The Mall, Doesn't Know What Happened To It"
  1. "America Under Siege: Day 16 of President's Head Stuck In Banister"
  1. "Even Dumber George Bush III Preparing For 2012 Election"
  1. "President Completes 3 Month 'Goodwill Tour' Of Amsterdam"

And the Number 1 Headline During a George W. Bush Presidency...

  1. "President Trades America For 'Magic Dog'"

  1. How do you get a blonde to break up with you?
  1. Tell her she's pregnant.

  1. What will she ask?
  1. "Is it mine?"

Two old and very salty pirates found themselves sitting at the same bar and began comparing their various wounds. One was much worse off than the other, with a pegleg, a hook hand, and an eyepatch.
"Avast me, but ye're unlucky!" exclaimed the first. "How did ye get the pegleg?"
"A shark, matey," the second explained. "I fell into the drink and it took me leg clean off."
"The hand, then. How did ye lose the hand?" asked the first.
"'Twas a fierce battle at sea. Got me hand cut right from me wrist," the second pirate said.
"Ye're amazin'," said the first, shaking his head. "So tell me, the eyepatch?"
"Aye, well, that," began the second pirate a bit hesitantly. "A seagull, y'see, flyin' overhead, landed a nice white bomb right in me eye."
The first pirate burst out laughing. "Ye don't mean to tell me you lost yer eye to birdshit, do ye?" he asked incredulously.
"Aye, well, no, not exactly," confessed the second. "Y'see, 'twas me first day with me new hook..."

Signs You're Addicted to Caffeine
As presented on the 10/7/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

  1. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration.
  1. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth.
  1. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz.
  1. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso".
  1. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car.
  1. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals.
  1. You wake up in the middle of night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!"
  1. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen.
  1. You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears like our stage manager Biff Henderson [videotape of Henderson spitting coffee out of ears]
  1. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.

A woman buys a new car and decides to go nuts on the sound system. She notices a display for a hightech hookup and asks the salesguy to tell her about it.
"This is truly state-of-the-art," he tells her. "You merely have to name the genre of music you want to hear and it'll automatically tune to that station. No muss, no fuss."
Well, our heroine is sold. She opts for this fancy package and, after it's installed, takes her new auto out for a spin.
Shortly after she leaves the lot, she figures, "Might as well give this audio system a shot." She clears her throat and says, "Rock." There's a short click and Aerosmith blasts from her speakers. Delighted, she tries again: "Pop." Click: Phil Collins. "Country." Click: Tanya Tucker. "New Age." Click: Yanni. It's unreal. She says, "Alternative", gets The Wallflowers, and continues on her way with a big smile on her face.
By now she's cruising along and enjoying both her car and her sound system. Just as she turns a corner, another car cuts her off, and boy, is it ever a close call. "ASSHOLE!" she shouts at the offending vehicle.
Click: the sounds of Rush Limbaugh float through her car.

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Last edited on 13 March 2003 by N. S. Heath.
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